2016 MOVIES IN REVIEW: What got a "C" GRADE on the "D" LIST?

Here we go again, it’s another year and another list of films watched, judged and graded.

I’ll be keeping it a little shorter this year as I believe I watched fewer movies than I did last year.  Not sure if I’m getting pickier or if I have less time on my hands to spend viewing.

Either way, it’s the same as always—I grade movies based on my own personal expectations for each film and each film has it’s own expected qualities when I sit down to watch.  If I’m watching Oscar bait then I expect that kind of quality; and, if I’m watching straight-to-video, low budget fare, then I expect less in the way of quality.  There is no scale for all films, each gets it’s own measure from me.

This year we’ll divide the list up into three posts so that each section is more manageable.  This here is the films worthy of the high "C" down through the lowly "D" according to me--your opinion may differ, and that's too bad.

Those familiar with THE GOODS may notice that I left off the five 80's horror films on videotape I saw during the month of October.  If you are interested in those reviews, they were posted for my "Countdown to Halloween" and can be found there.  There's some terrible-entertaining stuff there.

DARK SUMMER

is an interesting premise.  A teen who is restricted to house arrest after stalking a female classmate online comes to believe she is haunting him after she commits suicide.  The story centers on his effort to convince his friends and find a way to stop the haunting before it kills him.  While the menace becomes clearer and the plot twists, things do get more interesting—just not enough to get that “B”.

Grade: C+

JESSABELLE

is a murky deep Southern supernatural horror tale that  wraps itself around you like kudzu, obscuring the effectiveness of the story.  Jessie, who is wheelchair bound, returns to her estranged father’s home to rehab after an accident.  There the mystery of her mother’s death years earlier comes to the fore after she finds videotapes among her mother’s things.  This one doesn’t quite get there—although it maintains interest throughout.

Grade: C+

MURDER PARTY

is a low budget horror comedy about a guy who finds an invitation to a party, entitled a “Murder Party” on Halloween night and decides to attend.  Things don’t turn out as he planned, as the party in question is an art instillation that could get him killed and so the comedy ensues… kinda.  Not much in the way of horror, though.

Grade: C+

MORGAN

is a science fiction thriller that seemed to be aimed right at my big head—imagine SPLICE crossed with EX MACHINA. And it had a nifty cast aimed right at my fat heart.  Unfortunately the story came up short and the movie descended into disappointing, though usually interesting girl-fight territory.  Kate Mara is a risk-assessment specialist from a company that researches artificial life.  Not computers, but genetically created beings that mimic normal human life.  And so she arrives when a test subject/human hybrid named Morgan has hurt one of her scientist/creators.

Grade: C+

SHUT IN

is the kind of thriller that has potential that it never reaches—though certainly not for lack of the quality of the actors involved.  It’s the script, which takes a sympathetic child psychologist in Naomi Watts and doesn’t isolate her enough or damage her enough for the story’s plot to affect her so. 

Grade: C+

ALICE, SWEET ALICE

is Brooke Shields’ film debut.  It’s also a horror film about an emotionally unstable girl named Alice and how her family deals with her.  While very annoying at times, the film is a fairly effective slasher with an interesting twist.  Still, so damned annoying.

Grade: C+

OUIJA: ORIGIN OF EVIL

is the prequel to the film OUIJA from a few years back that probably didn’t need a prequel.  What we get is an interesting enough premise where a mother is trying to raise two daughters in the late 60s by holding seances in her home and taking the rubes for what she can.  Unfortunately it’s not enough, so she gets a spirit board to increase her profits.  Things go wrong from there.

Grade: C+

MASTERMINDS

is a premise so full of potential that it sadens me that it just missed the mark. Imagine the retelling of the true story of a couple of dumb bank robbers who might just be able to pull off a heist. Much like The Bronze or The Boss from this year, a movie full of talent that was lacking in the writing department.  It’s as if they rely too much on the ad lib—and while I’m a huge fan of the practice, it doesn’t always pan out.

Grade: C+

NYMPHOMANIAC V. 1 and V. 2

is a thoughtful, if somewhat fruitless examination of depression (this is the third installment in this trilogy along side ANTICHRIST and MELANCHOLIA). It is a very sexually explicit look at the long, sad life of a sex addict.  And there’s the added bonus of psychobable and parables and but it all adds up to a truly depressing movie experience, so Lars got what he wanted.

Grade: C+

THE TENANT

is Roman Polanski’s Kafkaesque exploration of a descent into madness.  It is also his least effective film in his “Apartment Trilogy” (the other two being REPULSION and ROSEMARY’S BABY).  It follows a man who kind of insinuates himself into becoming a tenant in an apartment building.

Grade: C

THE GIRL ON THE TRAIN

is a bit of a mess as far as story goes—though well acted—it just circles in drunken memory too much to be cohesive.  I assume that’s by design, but it’s sometimes hard to tell.  Some fine actors giving fine performances herein, but the story just doesn't draw me in.

Grade: C

KILLER PARTY

is said to be a 1986 horror comedy originally to be titled “April Fool”, but it was changed when Paramount announced APRIL FOOL’S DAY.  It’s about three friends who pledge a sorority and the strange killings that begin when they do.  It starts as a straight forward slasher that becomes mildly comedic when it is revealed that the killer is demon possessed.

Grade: C

THE BRONZE

is the little comedy that couldn’t quite get there.  A great premise involving a former Olympic bronze medal-winning gymnast and her plan to stay on the easy-train and continue to live the good life as a big fish in the little pond of her hometown.  While superbly played by Melissa Rauch, the comedy isn’t as layed on thick as it should be.

Grade: C

HAIL CAESAR

is a rare miss by the Brothers Coen.  It’s a tale of old Hollywood when the studios relied on “fixers” like Eddie Mannix to protect the images of the studio’s assets be it writers, directors or actors and all the trouble they seemingly are meant to get into.  A movie full of potential that could’ve used a fixer itself!

Grade: D+

THE BOSS

is a disappointment, that somehow has it’s moments.  Melissa McCarthy is a Martha Stewart-like guru who loses her fortune and is incarcerated, and who, upon her release, imposes herself on her former assistant.  Though very funny in spots, the overall tale is lacking.

Grade: D+

BLAIR WITCH

is what should have been the original sequel to the original BLAIR WITCH PROJECT.  This one began to get genuine buzz when it was going by the title "The Woods", but once it hit the circuit word got out about what it really was.  It takes place 17 years after the disappearance of the original filmmakers and involves the younger brother of Heather Donahue looking into the case—he believes she is alive still.  Though a slicker production, they do manage to keep the general feel of the original, but the story itself is just too similar to the original to be very effective.

Grade: D+

THE CHURCH

is a 1989 Italian horror film about a church built over the site of a massacre and burial of witches—about how, in modern times the seal that kept the evil spirits contained is broken and visitors to the church are trapped inside as the evil is unleashed upon them.

Grade: D

NIGHT TRAIN TO TERROR

is a mid-80s attempt at an anthology of horror tales that mixed everything from God and Satan having a meeting of the minds on a train, music videos, a death cult and Night Court’s “Bull”, Richard Moll (with hair!) as a psychotic and entrepreneurial orderly in an insane asylum.  It was actually pieced together from three other films, making it as close to seventies Italian horror releases as America ever got.

Grade: D

Top 10 Movie Monsters: The Countdown to Halloween (Day 12)

I’m not really a “list” guy.  Not that I don’t enjoy a good listing of things good, bad or ugly, top, terrible or worst—they can be quite entertaining and informative.  It’s just that I’m pretty terrible about quantifying things from my own perspective.  I tend to take things as they come and find comparisons difficult and I usually think of another choice long after I’ve completed my list. 

So, for the moment, here is THE GOODS’…

TOP TEN

MOVIE MONSTERS

OF ALL TIME

GODZILLA

The King of the Monsters is a sheer force of nature who can be seen as good or bad, but always causes mass destruction.  He had to make my list due to the sheer success of the character, who appears in at least 29 films and an endless array of other media forms.

This is the one monster that is willing to take on any comers—he’s fought his own original villains, such as King Ghidorah, Mechagodzilla and Destoroyah; and, he’s taken on the great King Kong, the Fantastic Four and Avengers.

And, as far as body-count goes, when you can squish trucks between your toes you’re going to walk away with that prize.  Tokyo knows what I mean.  Poor, flattened Tokyo.

PINHEAD

When one thinks of a threat to their very soul—that piece of themselves that is the core of who they are—one imagines the Cenobites, and Pinhead in particular, when it comes to film.

Cenobites are former humans who have been altered, transformed in an extra-dimensional realm (Hell?) via ways of extreme pleasure and pain, torture and titillation into demons who harvest souls via a puzzle box called the Lament Configuration.

Pinhead, as portrayed by Doug Bradley, is an articulate and seductive sadomasochistic demon with a grid of nails protruding from his head and dressed in black leather.

MICHAEL MYERS

Referred to as “The Shape” in the credits of the original HALLOWEEN film, Michael Myers began his life in horror at age six when he murdered his sister.  From that day forward Myers remains mute and unresponsive.

Fifteen years later, Michael escapes from the sanitarium  and returns to his hometown of Haddonfield, Illinois to kill again.  Only this time while wearing a mask of William Shatner!  

Dr. Loomis’ observation of Michael was simple and scary—“I realized what was living behind that boy’s eyes was purely and simply…evil.”  John Carpenter sees The Shape as nearly a force of nature, a force of evil that is unkillable, unstoppable.

In a study by the Media Psychology Lab of California State University, Michael Myers was rated highest among movie monsters when considering how was the “embodiment of pure evil”.  I think that about says it.

PAZUZU

In the world of THE EXORCIST, young Regan MacNeil is a girl possessed by a demon named Pazuzu or Captain Howdy out to corrupt her very soul.  And it is the juxtaposition of the innocence of the girl and the absolute depravity of the demon that stuns the audience.

Pazuzu doesn’t work up that large a body count, but that’s not the goal of a demonic possession—it’s to drag just one innocent soul to hell.  And the difficulty of battling a demon for the sake of an intangible soul proves mighty troublesome—it costs three lives.

Even though I'm long since a believer in Biblical good and evil and am resigned to the notion that only people are responsible for their actions, this movie can still get to me.  It's just that effective and the performances are that powerful.

XENOMORPH

In space no one can hear you scream.

The tagline alone brings pause to a potential viewer, but it’s the truly elegant and intelligent design of these aliens that brings true terror.

H. R. Giger’s twisted hyper-sexual designs work to unhinge the viewer.  From the ripe fruit look of the egg of the alien to it’s scorpion-like delivery system, it just gives out freaky vibes.  And when a full grown alien rears it’s sleek, slimy penile-shaped head… well, it gets a visceral reaction.

And all that’s without even considering that you’ll be alive the whole time it’s young are growing inside you, getting ready to eat their way out of you.  That’s some primal shit, right there.

THE THING

If becoming a meal for a monster isn’t bad enough, how about hanging out with a monster and not even realizing it.  The Thing is a creature (creatures?) that is hard to define as it seems to be a series of independent cells that can work together or apart to mimic an entire organism.

And in close, working relationships it can be hard enough to get along with a guy without suspecting he’s an alien invader out to replace us all with sinister copies.  It plays on the mind as much as the body, the kind of paranoia this kind creature breeds.

The amorphous nature of this beast is what also adds to the creep-o-meter as they can seem to take any human or animal form—or any other damn form it pleases.  When a head simply melts away from a dying body and sprouts spider legs and walks off—that was a mind-bending moment in film!  And it only got stranger as Carpenter’s film went on down its dark path toward a frozen Mexican standoff. 

DRACULA

He has been portrayed in numerous ways over the nearly hundred years he’s been captured on film.  From the bald, pointy-eared wraith of Max Schreck’s Nosferatu to the seductive and charming Count of Bram Stoker’s Dracula as played by Gary Oldman—if nothing else, the vampire has range.

Icon-wise, Bela Lugosi will always be the public’s blood-sucker.  His accent and dramatic intonations, the cape, the widow’s peak hair, etc. are all plastered across popular culture.  And rightly so, Lugosi’s performance was spellbinding in its way.

As slick as that seductive monster can be, I find the portrayal  that reflects Stoker’s original best and most monstrous is Christopher Lee’s Dracula.  Tall, dark and silent and full of sheer menace, there’s no love story in his background, merely sin and damnation.

FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER

The tragic and, thus, sympathetic monster is always a compelling creature to behold and none can be more sympathized with than Frankenstein’s abandoned child.  It’s not his fault, after all, that he even exists, let alone that he looks as creepy as he does.

At least the iconic Karloff screen version wasn’t as intelligent as the one from Shelley’s novel—that poor bastard had it even worse.  He knew what he was and was far more aware of the tragic circumstances of his situation.  Ol’ Boris’ monster was more innocent, more child-like.  Still, by the time he cuts loose and really starts to knock heads, the viewer is more invested in him than the villagers who bring the torches.

Of course, this makes Doctor Frankenstein the real monster of the tragedy.

THE CREATURE

I’m sure, at some point, every teenage boy feels a little like the Creature from the Black Lagoon.  Full of all kinds of hormones and desperate to meet a girl, to find a true love and “live happily ever after” as it were.

The Creature is a prehistoric gill-man, a half fish, half man who has his own little lagoon all to himself.  The last of his kind who may or may not have ever seen a female of his own species.  And so, when beautiful Julie Adams takes a swim in his little lagoon, the boy straightens right out and learns real quick.

The real shame is that she doesn’t feel the same about him—the poor fella’s love is unrequited.  Unfortunately for the Gill-Man, he doesn’t take the message well.  Perhaps in his culture, you don’t take no for an answer.  It’s possible he just wasn’t taught good manners.  Whatever the cause, it soon brings the wrath of mankind down on his scaled little head.

KING KONG

Nearly everything that applies to the Creature from the Black Lagoon, applies to the great Kong of Skull Island.  He is the last of his kind, he seems to fall in love with a young human woman, it ends tragically for him.  Only it happened to Kong first.

 Kong, like most giant monsters, is a fighter.  Always in battle on Skull Island with one over-sized monster or another, Kong has truly earned the name “King” as he is worshipped by the natives.  He is like unto God to them, for they know his wrath and they make regular sacrifices to please him.

Like Godzilla, whom he proceeded, King Kong has appeared in tons of media formats over the decades and is known world-wide throughout pop culture.

He is a tragic an iconic figure who literally fell for the woman he loved.  Of all the battles he fought it was the battle for his heart that killed him, or, “It was beauty that killed the beast.”