Hi there.
Didn’t think we’d gone away for good, did you?
No, no… it’s just this is a busy time for us here at The Goods what with sorting through all the movie reviews and and the awards and nominations and what-not. Speaking of which, here are the movies that earned a “B” or a “B-“ Grade from our panel of film scholars and experts.
But first, here’s how we here at The Goods come to our deeply considered critical conclusions:
How I rate these things is not by some general standard, but by my own expectations for each individual film. If your trailer makes me anticipate Oscar gold, I expect Oscar gold. If it appears to be of B-Grade quality as I approach it, I’ll grade it as such, expectations slide. The lesser gifted are forgiven for their faults, the greater gifted bring expectations. Levels the playing field, methinks.
Ah, but on to the B-Roll:
PING-PONG SUMMER
What It Is:
Set in Ocean City, Maryland in 1985, an obsession with table tennis and hip hop music changes the life of Radical Miracle, yep that’s his name, played by Marcello Conte. He makes a new best friend, gets his first crush and battles a bully with the help of Susan Sarandon as Randi Jammer—former Ping Pong Pro.
What It Was:
Though not as funny as I’d hoped, this one definitely brought back the period while being a fine coming of age film.
What It Earned:
“B”
KINGSMAN
What It Is:
Young “Eggsy” seems to be headed for a life of crime and incarceration when Colin Firth’s dapper Agent Harry Hart sees his potential and drafts him as a trainee in the secret service. It’s an elite espionage organization that provides focus and structure for the kid. Along comes Sam Jackson’s villainous Richmond Valentine and his plan to kill a massive amount of people to solve the climate change problem and the game is afoot.
What It Was:
A fun ride that allows one to rest one’s brain on the empty seat beside oneself and enjoy the action and humor
What It Earned:
“B”
UNFRIENDED
What It Is:
Laura Barnes is a teenager who killed herself a year ago after an embarassing act of cyber-bulling. Her classmates are having a group chat online one night and they are joined by a mystery user who is using the dead girl’s chat name. As they try to fix the problem or discover who’s behind the hoax, bad things begin to happen…
What It Was:
Surprising that a film that pretty-much consisted of talking heads could create an atmosphere of fear. This is one movie that gets the most out of it’s budget and format while performing the task of keeping one interested.
What It Earned:
“B”
AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON
What It Is:
Tony Stark initiates a peacekeeping program that evolves into the being known as Ultron, an artificial intelligence that decides mankind deserves to live under it’s boot-heel or die. Earth’s Mightiest Heroes assemble and pick up a few new members along the way in Scarlet Witch, Quicksilver and the Vision in order to stop this new mechanical menace.
What It Was:
This one started off with real qualms with fanboys of the comics such as myself because there is no Ultron without the mind of Henry Pym and so Hurdle Number One. Hurdle Number Two is the big battle at the end that too closely resembles the big battle at the end of the first Avengers film. How about instead of a billion robots, try the team struggling to take down one truly badass meat-killing Ultron prime? It would look different and would play better.
What It Earned:
“B”
ATTICUS INSTITUTE
What It Is:
A documentary style horror that examines what happens in the 1970s at the the height of the cold war when Dr. Henry West sets out to find people with supernatural abilities and patient Judith Winstead’s abilities are beyond his imagination. But it’s the dark source of those abilities that soon reveals itself.
What It Was:
Things get interesting when the military boys come in and take over in their attempts to harness the power of this possessed woman. An interesting bit of film, well acted, well directed.
What It Earned:
“B”
VANISHING ON 7TH STREET
What It Is:
Hayden Christensen, Thandie Newton and John Leguizamo star in this apocalyptic tale of a mysterious darkness that stalks the living. When the shadows come, they pull everyone out of existence—right out of their clothes. In a plague of darkness, three people battle to stay alive using light.
What It Was:
It almost comes off as biblical as they each struggle to get past their demons real and imagined. Good drama, well drawn characters and a real sense of doom.
What It Earned:
“B“
THE TOWN THAT DREADED SUNDOWN (2014)
What It Is:
Called a meta-sequel to the 1976 film of the same name, it is a slasher horror film that is based on a real series of killings that happened in a town called Texarkana.
What It Was:
Beautifully shot and interestingly twisted, this film sometimes exceeds it’s grasp and part of that must be due to the added depth created by not only being based on some true events and having an earlier film to draw upon. A dark bit of Americana told well by Alfonso Gomez-Rejon (Me Earl and the Dying Girl) and Roberto Aquirre-Sacasa (Afterlife with Archie).
What It Earned:
“B”
THE GIFT
What It Is:
Jason Bateman and Rebecca Hall are a couple moving back to his hometown and they run into an old acquaintance from his past by the name of Gordo, played by Joel Edgerton. Soon he pushes his way into their life in uncomfortable ways with odd gifts that imply a familiarity beyond the obvious.
What It Was:
A mystery that unfolds uncomfortably and edgily—a slow-burn thriller that yields revelations as the danger increases and the depth of the obsession and even the grievance is unveiled. One that doesn’t go where one anticipates.
What It Earned:
“B”
RITES OF SPRING
What It Is:
A hybrid of crime drama and supernatural horror, the movie follows the story of two women who were abducted in order to be sacrificed to a harvest demon by an old farmer and it also follows the kidnapping and ransom demands of a group of desperate people.
What It Was:
A fresh idea that, considering the small budget, is surprisingly well executed. Partially a throwback to a film like Children of the Corn and part mix of From Dusk Til Dawn’s mix of genres, it adds enough characterization and depth that the deaths have meaning.
What It Earned:
“B”
MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E.
What It Is:
A stylish Cold War spy thriller that has agents from the United States and the Soviet Union joining forces to stop a mysterious criminal organization out to upset the balance of power.
What It Was:
Guy Ritchie doesn’t overpower the substance of this film with his usual energetic style, but it does project it’s own neat sense of humor. Armie Hammer (of Lone Ranger fame) is solid stone as KGB agent Illya Kuryakin and Henry Cavill is charming as CIA agent Napoleon Solo. Alicia Vikander nearly steals the show as the daughter of a German scientist who may be able to prevent the entire catastrophe.
What It Earned:
“B”
THE TALL MAN
What It Is:
Jessica Biel is a nurse whose son is the latest victim in a small town plagued by child abductions carried out by a legendary figure known as “The Tall Man”.
What It Was:
A film that was a bit smarter and a lot trickier than I expected. I love a good mind-fuck as much as the next guy, so this one kept me at attention until the end.
What It Earned:
“B”
THE SNOWTOWN MURDERS
What It Is:
Based on true events in Australia involving a teenage boy and what happens to him when his mom’s new boyfriend begins to take it upon himself to torture and kill those in the neighborhood he hates.
What It Was:
A by-the-numbers guide to making a murderer. Easily the most stark and disturbing movie I saw all year.
What It Earned:
“B”
SPY
What It Is:
Melissa McCarthy is a CIA analyst who finally gets her chance to do spy work in the field after a career as a desk jockey working with suave Jude Law.
What It Was:
The recipe for a strong physical comedy has been created. They added a bit of a twist by throwing in Jason Statham as an agent whose been on several missions too many. And the result was a decent showing, all considered.
What It Earned:
“B”
COUNT DRACULA (1970)
What It Is:
Jesus Franco and Christopher Lee collaborate to create a more faithful adaptation of Bram Stoker’s novel than had ever been attempted.
What It Was:
What it lacked for in budget and script, this one made up for in atmosphere and sheer loyalty to Stoker’s novel. Lee shines as the old Count who grows younger each time we see him.
What It Earned:
“B”
DEVILS OF DARKNESS (1965)
What It Is:
Count Sinistre leads a successful secret vampire cult as they search for human sacrifices to increase their power and prolong their lives. All the while, Sinistre plots to replace his current lady with a hot younger red-head.
What It Was:
B-Grade goodness that reflects the days of free love while also embracing the traditional vampire motiffs. It’s groovy vampire love, baby!
What It Earned:
“B”
WILLOW CREEK
What It Is:
Bobcat Goldthwait wrote and directed this found-footage Sasquatch horror film that involves a couple, one a television reporter by day who goes with her boyfriend to keep him company as he sets out to make a documentary about the original Bigfoot legend that began in 1967 at Willow Creek.
What It Was:
A fairly effective hand-held horror that is sprinkled with interesting dialog and some good humor. The less is more approach seems to work well for this picture.
What It Earned:
“B”
THE NIGHT BEFORE
What It Is:
Three amigos Seth Rogan, Anthony Mackie and Joseph Gordon-Levitt get together every Christmas Eve to celebrate together and relive past glories, only this year two of the gang want to end the tradition. Life, it seems, is moving these friends in different directions.
What It Was:
Anyone looking to this movie for big laughs will probably be disappointed as it gives off more of a sentimental/sombre feeling with it’s humor. There’s a lot of nostalgia here for these guys, it’s the glue that keeps them together. But what really holds the movie together is Michael Shannon as the weed dealing Christmas Spirit (Past, Present and Future)… throw in Tracy Morgan’s narration and it’s not a bad sleigh ride.
What It Earned:
“B”
LURED (1947)
What It Is:
Lucille Ball in a serial killer film? Say what? Indeed. Lucy is a dancer out of London who finds her friend missing and is soon approached by a cop who wants to use her as bait to attract this killer who uses personal ads to lure his victims.
What It Was:
Pretty engaging and harrowing stuff, considering the principles. Boris Karloff even shows up for a bit (the real reason I watched this one) for a few thrills! A nice piece of work that I’m just now realizing is very similar to SEA OF LOVE.
What It Earned:
“B”
KRAMPUS
What It Is:
When young Max looses his Christmas spirit as his family stress and cynicism become unbearable, Krampus calls to bring punishment to those who have been naughty and ungrateful.
What It Was:
Tone can be a problem when one blends genres, as I’ve mentioned before, but the reason for that is that it works on the viewer in a certain way.
As a horror/comedy, I was hoping it would have been a little darker, a little more nasty—but as it is, this one pulled off the requirements… a sobering tale of what happens when a family doesn’t appreciate what it has. And, in the end, I think I’ll enjoy this one for it’s simple good qualities.
What It Earned:
“B”
BAD WORDS
What It Is:
Jason Bateman directs himself as an angry, pissed off man who, seemingly just because of a technicality in the rules, enters spelling bees on an apparent quest to beat all of the children and win the entire national contest. Katheryn Hahn is the reporter who is out to discover his motives. Little Rohan Chand is the contestant whom he reluctantly befriends as he nears his goal.
What It Was:
A fine little film about growing up and reconciliation and friendship.
What It Earned:
“B”
JURASSIC WORLD
What It Is:
A resort where you can experience the world of the dinosaurs (and the genetically altered creations of Jurassic World’s own scientists) with the comfort and protections that garantee safety and fun.
What It Was:
As usual, dinosaur jailbreak. Dinosaurs attack. Mankind’s attempt to play god gets him eaten by genetic throwbacks. And I’m reminded why I didn’t go see the sequels to JURASSIC PARK.
What It Earned:
“B-”
ADULT WORLD
What It Is:
Ambitious young poet, Emma Roberts, works at an adult book/video store in attempt to survive on her own while trying to live her artistic life while attempting to persuade her uninterested literary idol, John Cusack, to teach her the way of the writer.
What It Was:
A well acted attempt with it’s heart in the right place that never quite completely gels.
What It Earned:
“B-“
THE PURGE: ANARCHY
What It Is:
In a world where the government sanctions a yearly 12 hour period in which every crime is legal, shit gets real. Leo is a police sereant who’s son was killed by a drunk driver plans to use the purge to bring his son’s killer vengeance. Instead, he protects some innocent strangers caught in the chaos.
What It Was:
Though I think the basis of the “Purge” films is pretty unbelieveable, the morality play that results is usually compelling.
What It Earned:
“B-”
AFFLICTED
What It Is:
A found-footage piece about two friends who tour Europe and are confronted by the horrors that result when one of them becomes infected with a mysterious sickness.
What It Was:
A well made B-Grade film about becoming a “creature of the night”. The only thing holding it back was probably that it was a bit too inward-looking, a little too reflective.
What It Earned:
“B-”
INHERENT VICE
What It Is:
P.I. Larry “Doc” Sportello, played by Phoenix, is as busy staying medicated as he is solving cases. So when a genuine mystery confronts him involving an ex-lover and her current beau, he weaves his way through the world of surfers, criminals and cops to bring things to a close.
What It Was:
Paul Thomas Anderson is usually money in the bank with me. His filmography speaks for itself—mentioning a few here (There Will Be Blood, Magnolia, Boogie Nights, Punch Drunk Love, etc). So when I went in to check out this one, my expectations were naturally high. Too bad only Joaquin Phoenix’s character was doing that.
What It Earned:
“B-“
PHENOMENA (1985)
What It Is:
Young Jennifer Connelly is a young American girl attending a Swiss boarding school and she has a strange connection to the insect world. Donald Pleasence is a wheelchair bound scientist who is hunting a serial killer. Together they fight the monster in this dreamy Dario Argento film.
What It Was:
Though it chases it’s own tail at times, this is one of Argento’s films that translates pretty well for my little brain. Even at this age, Connelly is compelling.
What It Earned:
“B-”
ZOMBEAVERS
What It Is:
Exactly what it sounds like.
Zombie beavers invade the vacation cabin of a group of horny college friends.
What It Was:
It was funny enough and off-beat enough that it surprised and kept me interested until the credits. The scene that really took it to the next level was the transformation scene. Totally unexpected and hilarous.
What It Earned:
“B-“
AMERICAN ULTRA
What It Is:
Jesse Eisenberg is a stoner convenience store employee who draws his own graphic novel in his spare time and hangs out with his girlfriend played by Kristen Stewart. What interrupts this bliss is the sudden revelation that the stoner is a sleeper agent for the CIA who must defend himself from termination.
What It Was:
Like horror/comedies, action/comedies are a little tough to pull off as lives are at stake and so the comedy needs to be that much sharper. Sadly, it’s not very sharp and most of the good yuks were given away in the trailer. Quality performances save this one from being a flat “C”.
What It Earned:
“B-”
EXISTS
What It Is:
A found-footage horror featuring five friends frolicking in the forrest before coming face to face with Bigfoot, who finds their presence frustrating.
What It Was:
Pound for pound, this one ended up working for me fairly well, even though I usually find found-footage films a bit phony. There’s just enough character moments to make the ending have a little impact.
What It Earned:
“B-“
POLTERGEIST (2015)
What It Is:
It’s the classic film remade for a modern time.
A movie that didn’t need a remake, but got it anyway.
It’s people moving into a new house and finding it a haunting experience that may destroy their entire family.
What It Was:
Unnecessary.
And still, I’ll grant that Sam Rockwell was well cast and the rest of the family played their parts admirably. It’s just that the original still comes off as fairly fresh whenever I come across it and so it all just seems…
unnecessary.
What It Earned:
“B-”
DARK PLACES
What It Is:
From the Gillian Flynn, writer of GONE GIRL, this is the story of a woman who, after years of avoiding it, confronts the memories of the death of her family while she was still a child. And the possibility that the real killer may not be her brother, who was convicted of the killings.
What It Was:
A well acted look back at conflicting memories and a past that is as cloudy as it is tragic. Being that this tale should’ve been more compelling, more thrilling and more interesting, it’s a shame that it just doesn’t quite hold the sway it should.
What It Earned:
“B-”
SINISTER 2
What It Is:
As a woman hides from her abusive husband, she lives in a rural house with her twins, one of whom is being visited nightly by the child thralls of the demon Bughuul. Each of the children revealing how they slaughterd their families in an effort to radicalize the twin boy.
What It Was:
A so-so effort at making this sequel fresh and different from the original film (which I thought was well made and genuinely scary). They do a good job of this, but the end result is a peek behind the curtain—a curtain which made the original so much more effective.
What It Earned:
“B-“
Next time:
The all-important "A" Grades and even the "B+" Grades that just felt a little superior to the films on this post.
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