Continuing the year in movies as reviewed by yours truly...
and now we enter the lower levels of hell where lurk the lesser demons...
A CHRISTMAS HORROR STORY
What It Is:
An anthology of horror tales set during the holiday season bound together by the soothing sound of William Shatner’s voice as a radio DJ.
What It Was:
A fine watch that lacks in direction, story and acting a bit, but the effects are excellent and the scares are all well placed. There’s a ghost story in a school, a tale of a changeling infiltrating a family and a Krampus out to get a disgruntled family—but the topper is a showdown that pits Santa against an army of zombified elves and a Krampus that just won’t quit.
What it Gets:
“C+”
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VISITING HOURS
What It Is:
Lee Grant plays a feminist television journalist who becomes the target of Michael Ironside’s serial killer who infiltrates the hospital to complete his original attack on her that left her injured.
What It Was:
For a movie that has as part of it’s focus feminism, there’s a whole lot of targeting of women by this killer, but then I guess that’s the point. Especially since William Shatner lurks around every corner NOT saving the day. In fact, it is the women who fight back, who don’t allow themselves to become the victim that live.
What It Got:
“C+“
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HELL BABY
What It Is:
A couple move into a quickly bought house in a rough part of New Orleans after the flood only to find that it’s evil and the wifey is pregnant with a devil’s child.
What It Was:
This horror comedy takes the talents of Rob Corddry, Keegan-Michael Key and a lot of the guys from The State and throws them against a devil-baby and the mom, Leslie Bibb, who is a spawn of Satan as well. Humorous, but not a laugh-riot and certainly not scary. Though dying is easy and comedy is hard, comedy about dying supernaturally is really hard!
What It Gets:
“C+”
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GOOSEBUMPS
What It Is:
A mother and son move in nextdoor to reclusive author R. L. Stine (played by Jack Black) as the monsters and villains of all of his books are set free to wreak havoc on the non-fictional world.
What It Was:
And speaking of horror/comedy… Fun teen or pre-teen horror comedy, but a bit more short on the comedy. More a thrilling actioner, really. So, not too bad really, but not all that good either.
What It Gets:
“C+”
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COMFORTING SKIN
What It Is:
The classic tale of the cursed tatoo as told from the point of view of a wallflower girl granted a newfound lust for life and supernatural power.
What It Was:
An interesting character piece that fails to really go where it needs to get. Victoria Bridewell is quite good in her role as Koffie, a woman who seems to be barely surviving life in the big city. When the odd tatoo stuff begins to happen, the energy rises, her character changes, gains that confidence, that power she needs but the tale meanders a bit at this point. A fine exercise, but more a guilty pleasure than high art.
What It Gets:
“C+”
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TERMINATOR: GENESYS
What It Is:
When Kyle Reese is sent back in time to 1984 to save the mother of the man who leads the resistance against the machines a strange event occurs that alters history and creates a Sarah Connor who has been fighting the war since she was a kid with a Terminator companion. Reese’s new mission is to reset the future.
What It Was:
Ah-nold picks back up the franchise like a proud grandpa, unfortunately the tale has wound too tightly to keep the audience caring—and the other characters aren’t given enough story to carry the audience along. Still, good action and ‘splosions, so…
What It Gets:
“C+”
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CHAPPIE
What It Is:
Cross “Short Circuit” with “A.I. Artificial Intelligence” and you’ve got a lot of the basis for Chappie and yet this one never quite gels. Strong heart, weak head.
What It Was:
Chappie is a stolen police droid given a new and advanced programming that has him thinking and feeling for himself—all the while, his only influences are the band of criminals who stole him and that puts him at odds with the authorities. Potential, however, was not met.
What It Gets:
“C+”
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DARK TOURIST
What It Is:
The Walking Dead’s Michael Cudlitz plays an intense security guard who is fixated on serial killers and the places where their work was done and where they were “born”. On his down time, he visits them, he tends to view life from their points of view. Which ain’t healthy.
What It Was:
And so it isn’t healthy. It isn’t long before his obsession leads him down a dark path. Along the way, he runs across Melanie Griffith’s run down waitress (Melanie we don’t see very often these days) and the hooker who works at the trashy motel he’s staying at. Interesting character work that kind of goes where you expect it to.
What It Gets:
“C+”
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RATTLERS (1976)
What It Is:
Take the phenomenon that was JAWS, put it on land in the desert Southwest and you’ve got the movie in question. A herpetologist discovers a horde of rattlesnakes when he investigates a series of attacks and links it to a mysterious nerve gas disposed of by the military.
What It Was:
Popular with the MST3K crowd, this movie is typical of the disaster/horror films of it’s ilk. A scientist, an attractive partner and a whole lot of dumb civilians and law enforcement. Throw in a abscent-minded military and you get Rattlers!
What It Gets:
“C”
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DARK TOUCH
What It Is:
Supernatural horror set in a remote Irish town, a family is killed one night in their home. The lone survivor, the daughter, claims it was the house that did it. Taken in by a family friend and her family, the young woman continues to be haunted by the same strange force.
What It Was:
An interesting idea that didn’t quite pull off it’s attempt at a difficult third act. Good acting and nice, cheap effects that lend toward good storytelling, and yet it doesn’t quite get there.
What It Gets:
“C”
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VACATION
What It Is:
The biggest attempt at a remake this year is this little number, though it’s not quite a remake as this continues the Griswold’s attempts at leisure time through the eyes of Rusty, played by Ed Helms.
What It Was:
Just as good intentioned as his father, Rusty drags his suffering family across America to Walley World in the same way his father before him did. Only it’s not as funny this time around. Oh, there’s a laugh or two, but it doesn’t rise to the level of the original or even Christmas Vacation.
What It Gets:
“C”
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INSIDIOUS 2
What It Is:
Sequel to the very successful and well made original INSIDIOUS, this one follows the continuing story of the Lambert family as it tries to fully unravel the mystery of their haunted lives.
What It Was:
While not nearly as atmospheric or scary as the original, it is good to see everyone back in the sequel as Patrick Wilson, Rose Byrne and Barbara Hershey provide solid talent to the proceedings. Unfortunately the script doesn’t hold the same power as the original.
What It Gets:
“C”
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POLYESTER
What It Is:
It’s Divine as a frustrated housewife who can’t seem to hold her dysfunctional family together as her husband is having an affair, her son is a delinquent and her teen daughter has gotten pregnant. ‘Course, bring in Tab Hunter as Todd Tomorrow and Divine’s Francine Fishpaw begins to feel giddy as a schoolgirl again.
What It Was:
Not exactly John Waters’ best effort, but all of the style, substance and panache are there for the viewing. Beware those rose-colored glasses kids!
What It Gets:
“C”
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TREEHOUSE
What It Is:
A series of missing children have put a real scare into a small rural community and when a girl returns home to find a mysterious figure fleeing into the woods never to be seen again… until two brothers discover her up in a treehouse being chased by horrors unseen.
What It Was:
Turns out the unseen horrors aren’t all that horrific… murderous, hillbilly teenagers. The result is a let-down that is unfortunate for all of us and the film.
What It Gets:
“C”
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THE HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY
What It Is:
The third part of Italian director Lucio Fulci’s “Gates of Hell” zombie themed films. This one focuses on a family moving into a house against the warnings of their son, Bob. The house is next door to a cemetery and is the home of Dr. Freudstein, a murderous scientist using live bodies to bring himself back from the dead.
What It Was:
A nearly indecipherable movie that takes from better examples of the genre like The Shining and Frankenstein. Strange, as most of Fulci’s films are—it is so uneven a mix of plot that it almost comes off as fresh. In the end, when it all counts, it is more a flop.
What It Gets:
“C”
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THE SHRINE
What It Is:
A mystery surrounding a missing teenager leads a fiery reporter and her companions to an encounter with a strange village in Poland and a strange fog that seems to lurk in the forrest nearby.
What It Was:
In a world of ghosts and slashers and vampires and zombies, it was refreshing to find a plot involving cults and strange phenomena that could alter normal people to make them carriers for some kind of evil. Too bad the acting and writing weren’t quite as good as the plot.
What It Gets:
“C”
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GET HARD
What It Is:
Framed for fraud, Will Ferrell’s character is terrified of what might become of him in prison and so he hires his car detailer, played by Kevin Hart, to teach him how to survive the hard life of prison. Funny, since Hart’s character has never been in trouble with the law.
What It Was:
Beyond a few moments of sight gags and some solid physical comedy, the story just isn’t there and the humor struggled to happen. A shame, really, since both of these guys (and their supporting cast) are usually golden.
What It Gets:
“C-“
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THE INTERVIEW
What It Is:
A nit-wit reporter and his buddy producer are recruited by the CIA to assassinate Kim Jong Un, who is actually a huge fan of their show.
What It Was:
An uneven farce that has more to do with how Rogen and Franco’s characters react to all the gushing and love coming from Randall Park’s Un, than the politics and international relations of today. A fine attempt that just didn’t gel.
What It Gets:
“C-“
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THE SEASONING HOUSE
What It Is:
In a war-torn Eastern European country, the “seasoning house” is where the military prostitutes girls captured during their operations. A deaf/mute is also enslaved to tend to the needs of the sex slaves, but once those who slaughtered her family arrive, she takes action to seek revenge.
What It Was:
An interesting idea for a revenge flick that gets more and more quirky and less and less believable. A Meh movie that should be able to tug on the “let’s kill them” strings a bit more easily.
What It Gets:
“C-”
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ALMOST HUMAN
What It Is:
It’s an alien abduction/invasion movie that works as a slasher/horror picture in that there is only one body infiltrating the Earth and laying eggs in his victims at a time.
What It Was:
It feels like a dead serious cross between SLITHER and INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS if it were short on story, character, plot and budget.
What It Gets:
“D+”
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JUPITER ASCENDING
What It Is:
The Wachowski’s latest attempt at science fiction lends itself a more anime theme as Jupiter Jones finds out that she’s intergalactic royalty and stands to change the balance of power in the Universe.
What It Was:
A well made D-list movie that does what it does well. Unfortunately it doesn’t do what it should, which is make me care.
What It Gets:
“D+”
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TUSK
What It Is:
A horror/comedy involving a podcaster who journeys to remote Canada to learn of an old man’s special story, but who winds up in a living nightmare of transformation and degredation.
What It Was:
Kevin Smith doesn’t do it again! This one is actually a horror comedy that is neither horror, nor comedy—more a depressing mess. A parable that doesn’t so much teach as rub in the face of someone. A movie that was made because it could be made.
What It Gets:
“D”
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TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT
What It Is:
Pretty students at an all girls prep-school face death wearing the face of Old St. Nick as he finds new and different ways to kill them.
What It Was:
Another trip down the holiday slasher genre road that doesn't really go anywhere. There is one scene that is so funny and stupid that it nearly saves the whole thing for it’s sheer stupidity. It involves a killer who dresses up as Santa dressing up again inside a suit of armor just so he can observe teenage sex and kill the kids creatively with medieval weapons such as a crossbow! Funny stuff indeed.
What It Gets:
“D-”
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SHOCK or BEYOND THE DOOR 2
What It Is:
Mario Bava directed this tale of possession and haunting as a woman returns to her former home with her new husband and a son from a prior marriage.
What It Was:
This final film of Bava before he died of a heart attack in 1980 involves a mother’s release from a mental institution after her first husband’s death. It also involves her only child with the dead father who begins to behave badly upon the return to the earlier home. It’s a twisted mess that doesn’t scare or thrill, and so it goes.
What It Gets:
“D-”
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THE LAZARUS EFFECT
What It Is:
A team of medical researchers have found the key to bring back the dead to life and they are soon ready to make their work public. In an effort to repeat the experiment, however, one of the team is killed and she isn’t exactly “right” when she is brought back.
What It Was:
Part “Flatliners”, part “Insidious”—all fail. And the saddest thing about this fact is that the cast is top rate—quite great for a genre film such as this. And so it doubly sucks that they wasted their talent on a movie that doesn't even come frustratingly close to being watchable.
What It Gets:
“F“
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THE GALLOWS
What It Is:
Horror story set in a school’s drama department involving an accident that happened twenty years earlier that caused the death of a teen by means of hanging. And now a night of terror awaits four friends who dare to break into the theatre.
What It Was:
A found footage piece that doesn’t really work well, especially when all of the supernatural stuff begins flying.
What It Gets:
“F”
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THE BEAST (1975)
What It Is:
Directed by Walerian Borowczyk, this reimaging of the tale of Beauty and the Beast features graphic footage of horses mating and a wealthy woman’s equally pornographic encounter with the Beast—who happens to be her husband to be.
What It Was:
For me it will be the mental scars of the up close and personal shots of equine copulation interspersed with the terrible “Beast” outfit and it’s strangely stiff member as he chased his “Beauty” around the woods. Just not a hell of a lot here, really.
What It Gets:
“F”
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